Wow, this is unexpected. I no longer feel weighed down by a sense of guilt, that I don't deserve to be able to do things such as write blog posts. (Re: My last li'l post.) That conveniently makes this easier. As does having gotten this laptop running much faster.
` In fact, I'm uploading more video clips onto YouTube right now as I'm typing this, and it's running perfectly fine. So yes, everything is moving ahead now! In fact, I lied last time, I have been writing my next video, but not much in the way of blog posts.
In celebration, here's the next post in the queue, which is of course on psychedelics, a subject I've begun to write about in great detail. (See High-Powered Tools of Inner Exploration and Neuroscience.)
` For the first "Things People Say", go here. This one's shorter and sort of follows the other, except instead of abject terror of psychedelics, there is more of a fearful willingness to accept that perhaps they would be beneficial. But it's still a bit odd. I promise to have more interesting/amusing ones for next time.
Saturday, July 29, 2017
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
Feeling so free...
I am writing this from my phone, but will be back to writing about mental navigation, psychedelics and strange stories soon, and making videos. My thumbs don't even have the energy to write about the adventures I have been on when I am not flattened by the heat. Mostly they have involved food, intense therapy, and even encounters with owl families.
I am having slight technical difficulties with the laptop that I have been borrowing for over a year. I can easily fix it but have been way too hot. If I had air conditioning, things might be different.
To confess, I have written zero since last time. At all. Holding myself upright is challenging, moreso when it's 86 and the sun has been beating down relentlessly for months.
Today I spent some amount of time clothes shopping because some of my new clothes have already failed. As much as I am often tempted to walk around without any clothing in this weather, I am compelled to buy more.
I have many, even more bizarre sedum and ice plant photos, but not on my phone. I just tried to view them on the laptop but had slight problems.
I have not, however, been gardening much, other than keeping the plants from withering away and pulling off dead sedum flowers. I have been doing small amounts of piano and even teaching Spanish to Matt.
I have retreated from the internet and world in general, partly to find myself. As I heal physiologically, i also work through the emotional trauma related to the physical trauma. Currently it has involved letting go of the guilt I have been carrying around that I don't deserve to live or be free of pain or to be healthy or even be able to see.
It had to do with my mother emotionally rejecting me. It hurt to learn last year that she was so traumatized by what happened back in 1995, which left me physically disabled and in chronic pain, that she had forgotten it had happened at all and had no idea how my body had gotten messed up.
She then blamed me for thinking this was a big deal, and has recently warned me that this means I could be losing my mind.
So, who cares what she thinks?
This is why I continue to cut emotional ties from her. A few days ago, I was able to process a lot of those emotions of unworthiness. I feel that I care about myself. My entire body no longer tingles and prickles as it used to. It is my own, it does not exist for anyone else's gratification. I no longer even seem to remind myself of my mom, nor do I feel rejection towards myself.
I am feeling the best I have felt in my life, especially now with almost all of the pain gone. I walk with one walking stick around the house, two outdoors. It feels good to be able to hold myself up. Feeling that I am going to fall puts entirely different thoughts in my head than when I can use my own muscles to keep my balance.
Who am I? What am I? Human? Sometimes I feel superhuman. At least during bursts of energy.
I had better get to bed so that I can wake up and get back to it...
I am having slight technical difficulties with the laptop that I have been borrowing for over a year. I can easily fix it but have been way too hot. If I had air conditioning, things might be different.
To confess, I have written zero since last time. At all. Holding myself upright is challenging, moreso when it's 86 and the sun has been beating down relentlessly for months.
Today I spent some amount of time clothes shopping because some of my new clothes have already failed. As much as I am often tempted to walk around without any clothing in this weather, I am compelled to buy more.
I have many, even more bizarre sedum and ice plant photos, but not on my phone. I just tried to view them on the laptop but had slight problems.
I have not, however, been gardening much, other than keeping the plants from withering away and pulling off dead sedum flowers. I have been doing small amounts of piano and even teaching Spanish to Matt.
I have retreated from the internet and world in general, partly to find myself. As I heal physiologically, i also work through the emotional trauma related to the physical trauma. Currently it has involved letting go of the guilt I have been carrying around that I don't deserve to live or be free of pain or to be healthy or even be able to see.
It had to do with my mother emotionally rejecting me. It hurt to learn last year that she was so traumatized by what happened back in 1995, which left me physically disabled and in chronic pain, that she had forgotten it had happened at all and had no idea how my body had gotten messed up.
She then blamed me for thinking this was a big deal, and has recently warned me that this means I could be losing my mind.
So, who cares what she thinks?
This is why I continue to cut emotional ties from her. A few days ago, I was able to process a lot of those emotions of unworthiness. I feel that I care about myself. My entire body no longer tingles and prickles as it used to. It is my own, it does not exist for anyone else's gratification. I no longer even seem to remind myself of my mom, nor do I feel rejection towards myself.
I am feeling the best I have felt in my life, especially now with almost all of the pain gone. I walk with one walking stick around the house, two outdoors. It feels good to be able to hold myself up. Feeling that I am going to fall puts entirely different thoughts in my head than when I can use my own muscles to keep my balance.
Who am I? What am I? Human? Sometimes I feel superhuman. At least during bursts of energy.
I had better get to bed so that I can wake up and get back to it...
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