It is amazing to think that for most of my life, such a science-minded person as myself had no idea that I was living with serious chronic pain, etc. One of the points I want to drive home on this channel is that there is a difference between intelligence and awareness of what one is experiencing every moment. It is from here that we can cultivate other aspects of our minds.
` I also spend some time describing what's been going on in the video-making front. You can watch, or read the transcript below:
(By the way, I apologize for the background noise from the refrigerator and such. I can't even understand what I'm saying in the video when played on the giant speakers in that same room, because then the background noise has doubled! I will be sure to use a better microphone in the future. If you're having any difficulty, this should help:)
Opening: A few seconds of partial eclipse through solar goggles. "There we go!"
Shot of a table in front of a brown leather-ish couch, at night, with myself wearing navy blue shirt, and open laptop on the table. I'm doing well to keep my balance, leaning with my right arm against a small suitcase next to me.
` The grip from one of my trekking poles is visible over the back of the couch. Alas, I don't speak very loudly against the background noise for these few seconds:
"Tis allegedly I, Spoony! I have good news and bad news. The good news is, I'm making more videos. The bad news is, when editing this video, I discovered that YouTube video editor is going away on September 20th, so I have until then to edit all my video clips. I don't think it's gonna happen."
Close-up of owl, moving its head side-to-side, crows can be heard in the background.
Similar couch shot of myself wearing bluish-green plaid flannel shirt, leaning against the suitcase and table to keep myself from falling over. Late August sun filtering in behind the lampshade, and radiating up onto the ceiling behind my head, on either side of the Workbot painting.
` I'm speaking more loudly, and there's less background noise: "I've been hard at work making more videos."
Shot of living room, sunlight streaming in through window, with me wearing earth-tone paisley shirt, holding laptop.) "Just to prove to you I do have more videos," (Getting closer, close shot of screen,) "You see, it says 383."
Back to daytime couch shot with flannel shirt: "Originally, I wanted my videos to be the same sort of thing as my podcast is supposed to be, assuming I can probably soon access the years of recorded files again." (Adjusting my balance on the stack of cushions beneath me.)
` "My podcast, Skeptophany, started out as a standardly skeptic podcast, where the subject is mostly science and critical thinking, and fraud, and cognitive biases, but with one important addition: I would throw in a bunch of stuff about examining and developing your very conscious awareness of the world on a more fundamental level."
` (Gesturing more and more emphatically:) "Over time, these specialty themes became the main subject of the show, and included interviewing the people of science and skepticdom, skepticism, comedy sketches, consciousness-altering sequences, and me playing music."
Clip of me playing an accelerating fast part of the Hungarian Rhapsody, and notice the clicking sounds:
` I am unable to reach the right pedal with my right foot without falling over, so you can see I'm using a board under my left foot to reach it. My right foot is braced against a cushion at the right side of the piano so that I don't tip over.
Back to the living room shot, the sound of fire engines passing by in the background: "As I've discovered and done, it is quite possible to enter deeper levels of consciousness where you're more consciously aware in many ways, even to the point where it can be described as among the most profound experiences possible in a person's lifetime.
` "Meditation, and a number of other things, some of which I'll link to at the end, can really help you become more grounded and less biased." (Grabs water bottle and unscrews cap.)
` "They create measurable, physical changes in parts of your brain like the amygdala and important regulatory systems, [which] demonstrate long-term improvement." (Puts bottle back on floor.) "They can enhance your mood, your health, your self-control, and your ability to think and perceive more clearly." (Continuing to wave hands about, ironically a bit absentmindedly.)
` "Those who celebrate science and rationality, and who actively pursue this, find themselves asking, 'Why doesn't everyone like us uniformly consider this an important part of developing their mind and experience of the world?'"
"It is true that the skeptic folks occasionally produce entire talks or articles or books or podcasts on the science about certain states of consciousness and their benefits. Sometimes, they mention it when they're talking about psychology or neurology, but it seems to be a pretty marginalized subject on the whole.
` "And I think that's partly because when you're introduced to something as an intellectual topic, you may think of it more as an interesting fact rather than a daily activity. Even when people are convinced of the benefits that others have achieved, they may not picture that happening for themselves."
"Imagine that as an adult, you first learned that it's possible for you to do something else which benefits you, and which can give you an unquestionably great experience, such as an orgasm. Okay, wouldn't you now want to be able to do that? Most people would say yes, why live life any other way?
` "But... what if you had to take some drastic measure, for example years of discipline, to actually be able to achieve this goal? If you didn't know what having an orgasm was like, or even getting halfway there, would you even bother putting in the time?"
"And many of us have taken drastic actions. Probably over a hundred people I've talked to at skeptic conferences, and atheist events, and suchlike, have had these amazing super-conscious experiences, and so they're on the same page as me.
` "Only thing is, most of them are not writing books or researching it or putting on presentations about it, although some people I spoke to have. So, we're aware that this is reality, but we're not necessarily spreading the news.
` "On the vast other end of the spectrum are people who are put off by the idea of experiencing consciousness in a new way. They tend to think that the only kind of deviations from "normal" consciousness are lowered awareness. If you try to tell them otherwise, they may think that you're delusional.
` "I have even been told that meditation is just a form of Buddhist brainwashing. Riiiight, and someone who does the things so graphically depicted in the Kama Sutra is doing it because of Hindu brainwashing."
Shot of Shiva, sitting on shelf between Ganesha and Vishnu: "That's right, Spoony, if you like boinking, and enjoying the pleasures of life with gratitude, you can blame us."
Briefly, I react to Shiva's comment. Then, behind the couch, Matt materializes out of nowhere, wearing gym clothes and carrying a small Duffel bag. He stops like his favorite mythological creature, bigfoot, then walks off frame.
` "So, you can see that exploring consciousness, not to mention language and other things I want to get into, really need to be discussed more in the skeptic-sphere. I want people to be aware of what their own brains are capable of doing, presenting the science and dispelling the myths, because that's what skepticism is all about.
` "But even though I want this to be one of the main themes of my channel, there are obviously other things on my mind. For example, my personal life. There are important reasons I made the Gaslighting Extravaganza videos, Part 1, Torture and Imprisonment with Introduction and Cat. And then Part 2: Pretend it Didn't Happen, Escape from the REAL Madhouse.
` "For one thing, I was able to use them as part of my police statement. Even just making and publishing it all was profoundly healing. And, I've recorded more, shorter but similarly cathartic videos, about how I developed, and lived most of my life with, physical and mental disabilities and chronic pain.
` "The strangest part is that I didn't know that the pain I was feeling was coming from my body and not 99% emotional, until it started to go away in 2015. Today, most of the pain is gone, my body is mostly back to normal, and I've discovered that trekking poles are indispensable to that:" (Grabs and briefly moves pole that's leaning against the couch.)
Tracking shot of me from the side walking with trekking poles on Pattee Canyon in Missoula, woods and patchy snow sloping below me. I say: "My body is straight enough so that I can use both trekking poles."
Back to couch shot: "So, how could you not know you're physically impaired and in pain if you're visibly limping and physically struggling with things? Besides crooked medical people, it was the people who claimed they loved me saying that I was just faking and trying to get attention.
` "I had to appease them by making a false persona that pretended not to be suffering constantly, which is the person that people have met over the years." (Experiencing a little reflux.) "Sorry, that's just the result of being physically screwed up for over 20 years."
` "Yet, those people have not met the "real me", who is not enduring massive amounts of physical torment each second. They may be shocked to discover that I'm quite laid-back most of the time.
` "After almost five years of physical therapy, and over six years of fairly dramatic changes to my brain, I really feel like a completely different individual. Even recording the stuff that I haven't published yet has helped."
` (Rubbing abdomen.) "I'm just trying to get my guts to settle back down where they're supposed to be, yeah."
` "But, more than just helping me, I've found that in just explaining how I uncovered my "real" self from under musculoskeletal issues, and chronic health problems --Speaking of which!-- I've created a really close analogy for how one can uncover one's "real" self from under mental and emotional processes.
` "I have described how I was told that my lack of control in standing, walking, bending over, sitting, talking, eating, breathing, and other important human functions, was all part of my personality. And then, what happened when I found it wasn't.
` "Importantly, I can compare that to [what I've learned] about how you can become mentally debilitated in the same way that you can become physically debilitated, and how recovering from each is similar.
` "However, there are still plenty of other video clips that go way beyond even that."
View of computer screen, with reflection of lamp: "Here I have currently 420 --hehheh-- mostly tiny videos uploaded to YouTube. There's the eclipse, and the neighbor's cat, and the helicopter ride, yet there's only four actual completed, edited videos for the public so far. Huh?" Reflection of hand appears in front of reflection of lamp.
"Wait, how can this be? What the hell is going on, here?" (Shifting weight back and forth.) "Please allow me to give you a top-down perspective on some of my video-making through the months:"
Aerial shot looking down on Seattle Space Needle. You can hear my voice over the helicopter and wind noise: "I can see people."
"No, seriously. For example, I originally wrote the script for the second video standing up, because attempting to type while sitting down was too painful. --Like right now, this is the best I can do.-- Then I ran out of cannabinoid-based pain meds, but was determined to shoot some darn video anyway.
` 'So I edited the script to reflect the situation at the time and made the video. It went pretty much as I'd planned, with the underwater UFOs, brilliant. And then the script doubles as a transcript, which you can read on my blog. Perfect!" (Gesturing and thumping suitcase more.) "So, now that I have a system that works, I made the next videos entirely differently!
` "This was starting in October 2016, when typing was even more difficult, partly because of some physical shifts which eventually prompted me to get the trekking poles." (Grabs trekking pole leaning against back of couch.)
` "So, instead of reading a script off the computer screen, I completely improvised a bunch of video clips. Many of them involved me at the whiteboard."
Me wearing skull and crossbones welder's cap and green jacket, having just drawn Baphomet, androgynous deity of enlightenment. I'm writing the name above with both hands, orange marker in left hand, red in right hand.
` Next to it is a drawing of a hamster running in a wheel with the caption, 'The ego keeps awareness down. How can you know it's there if you've never experienced consciousness outside of it?' It's keeping you unaware!' The hamster wheel squeaks 'e-go, e-go, ego!'
` "Good enough, Bapho-mey. Or Bapho-met, maybe?"
Back to the couch shot: "Others were me demonstrating the physical handicaps I've been living with my whole life, but that the people closest to me claimed didn't exist. So, I got video evidence of it. Not to mention, related stuff, like this:"
Closeup of my foot, as I use a rotary tool with a sanding drum to grind through extremely thick dead skin off my foot, so as to prevent it from growing between my toes.
"Well, I'm sure you're eager to know all the details now! And as it pertains to making videos, I wasn't reading it off a screen, so there was no transcript. I uploaded a bunch of these, but had to do a lot of editing afterward on YouTube.
` "I recorded most of this right at the beginning of October and near the end, but in the middle of that month I did a few clips where I don't talk because I came down with hand and foot and mouth disease, which was a brutal two weeks.
` "At the end of October, I went to CSI-Con Vegas, of science and skepticism, where I got a little more video, of some strange creatures at the con, as well as some outside:
Shot looking up past a palm tree at a spotlight with circling forms. My voice, "Whoa."
` Matt's voice: "I had a UFO sighting in Los Angeles in, like, '95."
Couch shot again: "I met and talked to a lot of interesting people, saw a lot of presentations, and spent a lot of time laying down because I did not have quite the... pain control that I needed. I'm grateful for not getting sick afterward -- already got that out of the way.
` "So, just after getting back from the con, and running another errand, I fell so deeply asleep that it was both the most wonderful thing in the world, and most unhelpful: I slept through a rock crashing through the picture window. And I was so pissed off by being woken up to help clean up glass when the police got here.
` "Despite being extremely busy around that time of year, and as such not really able to recover well from the exhaustion, I very dedicatedly went to work on the videos, watching these improvised clips and writing down what was in each one on an individual index card.
` "Because typing was too difficult at the time, I wrote scripts for more clips on paper and index cards, in order to assemble them in a more or less logical narrative. I even shot some of them, and thought I'd have a couple out before the end of 2016, but something stopped me from completing them."
"I felt my biggest story, the Gaslighting Extravaganza of 2003, just couldn't wait. As stories of mine to tell [go], it made logical sense to put first on my channel, for a number of reasons. For example, because it was the most horrific time of my life, and I want everything else on this channel to be less... disturbulating.
` "Another main reason was because I realized that I could still call the police about this incident, after being silenced for so long, and include the video in my report."
"Now, if I'm telling a massive and detailed story like that, I definitely need a script. Problem was, I still couldn't sit down, at least not in a stable enough way that I could type. (Shifting my balance to my left, then back to the suitcase.)
` "Typing standing up was becoming too exhausting and difficult, so I decided to kick it old school and write it on mini legal pads, mostly while standing against the shelf with Shiva and dead Jesus.
` "After I don't know how many weeks of exhausting work, I finally had it all done and published, and yes, the police did see it. Not my best work, to be sure, but they didn't complain.
"A third reason for this story is that the building of another mind, what I've learned about how to think and perceive, that's the real story. The Gaslighting Extravaganza is like the immense prequel to a lot of the other important stuff I have planned for my channel.
` "These events I described resulted in emotional trauma which caused the loss of sensation in many parts of my body for nine years. Recovering involved lots of mental discipline, suggestion, and altered states of consciousness."
"After making the Gaslighting Extravaganza video, I wanted to immediately continue with putting together more videos. But alas, I came down with a really severe sinus infection, and was sick for three months, the first two of which were the sinus infection.
` "All that time, I'd also been trying to do a few other projects, such as write an important but long blog post, which I wanted to do before finishing this video, and did, so that I could link to it afterward.
` "But I had been so incredibly run down it was difficult, if impossible, to focus on anything. By the time I finally felt better, just before I could finish it, I went on a little road trip to Montana."
Telephoto shot of a bison calf following its mother across a pasture toward some other bison. Matt's voice: "Making sure that you're not going to breach the fence."
Back to the couch: "Short story long, I've been slowly pushing through all these backed-up tasks, during this record heat and drought, and during a time of much physical and thus mental healing.
As far as the blog article goes, I immediately got the first part of it published right away. Still haven't followed up with the second one, I will do that, I've just been exhausted, you know."
"Here's the massive blog article about some of the stuff which has helped my brain:"
(Pointing.) "Here's the link here, or at the very least it's down there."
"And if you do click on it and read it, I just want to know out of curiosity, can you guess what it is that I'm even talking about, before I reveal it in the article? Ah!
"I just want to know, it's about the feedback. And also, sexy bare knees. You know, you know you want, you know you want to leave a comment now. Until next time."
Later, back to the night-time couch shot: "Except now, I'm also going to have to re-upload my unpublished video clips.
` "And by the way, why have I been uploading videos and then editing them on YouTube? Part of it is because I feel so much better having remote backup copies in case some disaster happens, and they do sometimes. As well as being able to fit them all in one spot rather than multiple devices."
"Now here's the part where I start expounding on what I could have done to avoid this situation. Like started work on another video... long ago? Because obviously if I'd simply clicked on YouTube video editor at some point months before, I would have known that it was going away." (Raising hands.)
` "And though I already have written most of the script for the next video, I'm seriously thinking about finishing one of the improv videos I spent so much time editing last year. As for future videos, I already have another editor, although I haven't completely tested it yet, but just so you know, I have a whole lot to say, and I'm getting physically stronger, even though I have to hold my head like this a lot to avoid eye strain.
` "As long as I lean against the suitcase, I'm much more able to hold myself upright at this computer. That's another video, though. Several, really. For now, all I have is these four others. That is, until next time."
Tracking shot of a bumblebee on a flower-packed iceplant, going from one bright purple bloom to another while theme song plays. Camera moves to follow the bee, revealing a clear sky, sedums, lamb's ear, stepping stones, and the house just barely in view.
` Links to the other four published videos appear on the screen, surrounding the bee, which then flies away.
That's my transcript and I'm sticking to it!
For more information on my life, I've recently published a post called:
Fighting for Self-Awareness and Autonomy -- A Good Chunk of my Story.
There will be more!
And as for future videos, I shall have to use a different camera that has a TV-quality microphone. I can't wait! Personally, the only way I can hear this, and my Gaslighting Extravaganza video, is through earbuds. Perhaps this would be different if I had noise filtration, which I probably will for my next videos as well.
` I'm looking forward to superior sound quality! Then, you could say, I'll really be talkin'!
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