Is Gender For Real?

To be unexpectedly honest, my own gender identity has seemed unclear for most of my life until about ten days ago. This is the first time I can remember that I have ever definitely felt that I was female, and just typing that sentence feels amazing. All my life I've been learning about gender and wondering why it is that I never could find that sense within myself, and now that I sense it, it seems quite different than I had expected.
` There are many reasons why this should not surprise anyone: Part of this is due to nature -- my more masculine brain development due to Asperger's -- but probably most of it is because of the way I was treated for most of my life. To start with, I was raised as a subhuman, as though my mind nor health were not valid considerations, yet acting "like a girl" and pretending that nothing's wrong was vital to existence.
` My dad told me that women are property, and that I would grow up to be a drug-addicted whore. Both my parents said that the tortuously agonizing symptoms of the potentially lethal chronic infection in my uterus were normal, that I was faking my fever and inability to move for days, that I'd have to endure this until middle age, and would be punished if I told a doctor. (When I did tell a doctor, at age 20, he refused to acknowledge my symptoms, and injured my genitals, which hurt so badly I couldn't sit right for years.)
` On top of that, the injuries I sustained in childhood which I was not permitted to see a doctor about gradually twisted my body and caused my lower back and glutes to atrophy. Some of the pain and disabilities this caused were interpreted as me "being bad", or "unladylike", and others were considered a part of "being female" because women are so weak that they're severely disabled, right?

I really, really didn't want to live as what I was told was 'female', and felt ashamed of being one: How could women be so stupid as to accept this as a desirable fate?
` Throughout my life, my sense of gender has been ground into oblivion due to brutal physical, sexual, medical, and emotional abuse and torture. I have been focusing on and pursuing my sense of humanity, but it was only recently that I discovered a sense of gender within me as well.
` This has happened as I've been recovering from a neurologically and physiologically rough time -- more on that in another post -- and I am more determined than ever to pursue writing, science, art, music, and everything that makes me more me-like. In so doing, I have written a sizeable chunk of text which is perfect for copying and pasting here.
` It is actually a comment I left for a YouTube video by user Black Pigeon Speaks, who condescendingly argues that the psychological and medical community in general is just plain wrong about the existence of gender, and that the real solution for transgender people is to give them antipsychotics.
` Never mind that locking up transgender individuals and giving them antipsychotics against their will used to be the norm, and still happens in some parts of the world, despite the fact that it doesn't work and is extremely psychologically damaging.

I don't normally watch such videos, and likely because of that I don't normally leave blog post-sized comments, but... I was compelled to make an exception. I've met/known a lot of transgender people in my life and have found that they are just normal people who want to be accepted as who they are.
` Since Black Pigeon gave the impression that people who oppose his views are ignorant of science and blinded by self-righteousness, I left a thoughtful and science-based comment that is certainly good enough to cut and paste here, with a small amount of editing, and some added stuff [in brackets], so here goes...

Still blooming through the winter!

I have been beaten down by a number of things before and since last post, and I thank all of you who are supportive. It was extremely nice to visit some friends on Christmas Eve. It has also been nice to make budding, new connections. (Ahem.)
` However, I still sometimes go out and get high off handling dirt, mostly removing male pine cones from the sedums and iceplants. I know it's been a while since I've posted succulent photos, and I have so many new plants I haven't shown on my blog (although I have on Facebook).

"October Plant" sedum, still blooming in January!

I am actually planning to back-post some photos, showing what they have looked like over the months. Right now marks the first time I've loaded and edited some photos on this "new" computer I got on Black Friday. I had extended technical difficulties both with my health and with this laptop, but now everything seems in working order.
` It also amazes me what one can be motivated to do when the neighbor's cat spends his time on your desk area. You know, where my stuff is supposed to be organized, but keeps getting unorganized? He enjoys playing a part in that. And so we got him a cat perch so that doesn't happen. It works, too!

Chester is the most affectionate, happy, energetic cat I can hope to indulge.

The first time I turned on this laptop since last post was the day after writing it, when I probably took half an hour or so to figure out how to find WordPad, and then wrote a large part of a script for a new video. The second time I turned on this laptop was at the beginning of the year, when I started writing this blog post, and then rounded up some video clips for my next video.
` I was able to find all but the one with the music on it. I also found a video editing program, but my computer was too slow to run it.
` Not only was this laptop incredibly slow, but the left shift key didn't work. I had actually found these things when I bought this laptop, but then I caught a severe sinus infection and was brutally ill for about a month, and two courses of antibiotics. While I was sick, I thought perhaps that these problems were not real, but a result of my being incompetent.
` No, they're definitely not because of me.
` So I took this laptop to the tech support part of the electronic store... and it worked perfectly. Apparently, there were some Windows Updates slowing it down, or something, but they didn't happen in the store. And the corner of the shift key popped back out. Spontaneously! It works now!
` So, here's some more sedum photos:

Just testing out my new laptop...

A lot of things have happened since last time. I've gone to the Center for Scientific Inquiry conference, I've had a few ups and downs, and the day before Thanksgiving I had a very traumatic experience, which I am still affected by quite a bit. My priorities in life have changed somewhat, but I still intend to stay present on the Internet.
` I don't have any photos on this computer yet, or anything, I've only just turned it on.

Get this -- I tried the default internet browser, called Edge, which says it is faster than Chrome. I couldn't get my blog post/draft list to appear AT ALL with either of my Blogger accounts. Meaning, I can't access my drafts and finish them! Then I downloaded Chrome, logged into Blogger, and the list just appeared instantly! Hooray for Chrome! I can use this laptop for blogging now!

I would type more, but the metalwork and whatnot that is going on downstairs doesn't seem to be letting up. I don't even expect to be able to take a walk until after the sun goes down. I think I'll go out and pull weeds in order to get some daylight. And yes, some of the sedums and iceplants are still blooming! Photos next time!

Hypnosis reduced my pain even more, and good news about my podcast!

Yes, thanks to a hypnotherapy session over Zoom video chat, the chronic pain I've been living with... is gone. Just gone. There's still some acute pain that comes and goes, but most of it is gone. I just had to visualize myself flying through a bull's eye, and though that sounds cheesy, the pain disappeared when I hit the target. Just gone.

Suggestion. It's a remarkable phenomenon. I forgot how well it works. Doubtless my next article will be all about that, as will my next video. I recently talked to some people about altered states of consciousness and hypnosis, so that will definitely be next up.

For right now, I'll say that I don't even know why I waited so long to get someone else to help me with this. It worked. Not to mention, I had him throw in some suggestion for confidence, and it worked the same way with the bull's eye.

` The chronic pain over most of my body, especially my back, is now gone. My arms and wrists and hands are somewhat sore from using trekking poles. The right side of my body still aches from doing squats.

` As for my neck, it is becoming more neck-like, with better air passage in my throat, and indeed as we see over the course of my videos, my voice becomes deeper. A lot deeper. For a while my voice was cracking uncontrollably, but not so much now.

I still have to tilt my head to the right so that my eyes are able to track properly, but even that is not as important now. In fact, it isn't the only cause of my eye strain: I went to an optometrist and found that my left eye is slightly off.

` I have yet to actually purchase the glasses; they are the lightest frames because my neck could not tolerate the pain and weight of glasses on my face. Now it doesn't hurt the way it did before the hypnotherapy session, only a small bit. After I get the glasses, my eyes should feel a lot better as well. Hooray for even more pain relief!

I will delve into the actual technicalities of how hypnosis works, and my many hypno-adventures, in the future!

As for my podcast, I named this blog Skeptophany after it. The irony is, I spent years recording interviews for it, during a time in my life in which I was barely hanging on for survival, in a lot of pain, and not much able to get the production work done. Then, in April 2016, most of what I recorded became inaccessible when my laptop broke in April 2016.

` I had two external hard drives, but the one that I was using for my newest stuff (because it hadn't filled up) had a partition that prevented non-Linux computers from accessing my podcast and video files.

` After several attempts to remedy the problem, including attempting to repair the laptop twice (but the replacement part was "DOA" both times), I finally decided to spend the $200 to transfer the data. Yes, this took me 18 months of failing to solve this problem!

` Something like a week passed in trying to get this partitioned data from the wrong drive, which freaked me out because you can't. But then I realized my mistake, I transferred everything that was on my broken laptop as well, and bought a new external hard drive! And it was all at a discount! So, what better result could I have hoped for?

Yes, I can continue making my podcast! I am just so... backlogged at the moment.

As for my own productivity, I have not been doing the things I perceive that I really need to do, but at least I've been getting some things out of the way, such as finishing a book I've been borrowing for several months. (It's been difficult to read because pain.)

` I was also slowed down for a while by a couple of illnesses, but some amoxicillin helped with that. Many things have drained my energy, including spending a lot of time improving myself. I cannot believe the emotions I am capable of feeling after healing from an impostor's betrayal.

The only thing vexing me this whole time is that the person who introduced me to hypnosis, physical therapy, and much else, has blocked me on Facebook and in real life. Why, I can't say, but it was somehow a result of my last communication with him, which was text-based. I showed it to a few people, but they are just as puzzled as I am as to why anyone would respond this way.

` It's good to know it isn't just me. I expect this, too, to somehow resolve itself.

These are just some of the dramas that have been playing out in my life since my last post. Right now, I am in serious need of some sleep.

Transcript of 'Another Kind of Mental Development, Discovering my Extreme Physical Condition, and Making Videos!'

It is amazing to think that for most of my life, such a science-minded person as myself had no idea that I was living with serious chronic pain, etc. One of the points I want to drive home on this channel is that there is a difference between intelligence and awareness of what one is experiencing every moment. It is from here that we can cultivate other aspects of our minds.
` I also spend some time describing what's been going on in the video-making front. You can watch, or read the transcript below:


(By the way, I apologize for the background noise from the refrigerator and such. I can't even understand what I'm saying in the video when played on the giant speakers in that same room, because then the background noise has doubled! I will be sure to use a better microphone in the future. If you're having any difficulty, this should help:)

Opening: A few seconds of partial eclipse through solar goggles. "There we go!"

Shot of a table in front of a brown leather-ish couch, at night, with myself wearing navy blue shirt, and open laptop on the table. I'm doing well to keep my balance, leaning with my right arm against a small suitcase next to me.
` The grip from one of my trekking poles is visible over the back of the couch. Alas, I don't speak very loudly against the background noise for these few seconds:

"Tis allegedly I, Spoony! I have good news and bad news. The good news is, I'm making more videos. The bad news is, when editing this video, I discovered that YouTube video editor is going away on September 20th, so I have until then to edit all my video clips. I don't think it's gonna happen."

Close-up of owl, moving its head side-to-side, crows can be heard in the background.

New Video on Developing Awareness and Bizarre Self-Discovery!

Developing one's conscious awareness is a different element from intellect, but both are essential for self-awareness. Case in point: I my scientific and critical understanding of the world have developed long before I was aware that I was limping around in constant pain.
` It's a long story, which I discussed at length in my last post.
` Not surprisingly, that's part of why making videos seems so difficult, which I also describe. But I have been hard at work, and show a few bits of various video clips I intend for future videos.

I haven't quite completed the transcript, but that's coming next. It has a long enough title, though, which you can click to watch:
Another Kind of Mental Development, Discovering my Extreme Physical Condition, and Making Videos!
And here's a high-resolution image of the title card I made for it:

...And this Cretaceous dinosaur and plant life have what to do with this video?

There are several interesting things in this video, including a view from a helicopter, a cute owl, the eclipse, etc, however, the dromaeosaur is a lie! I simply like drawing them, especially in margins.

This title card had a lot of blank space, so... why not? I've never done a color gel pen dromaeosaur! The scanner didn't get the colors right, though. I couldn't get enough light to take a clear photo, either.

I'll have to take a photo when the sun is out, as it is raining today, to my great astonishment. If you can call it that. It hasn't 'rained' since June 17, so I'm not complaining. Neither are the plants.

Fighting For Self-Awareness And Autonomy - A Good Chunk of My Story

September 2010. I made it, but Violet did not.

What motivates me to want to speak about inner space and the mind's deepest realms? What has made me want to explore those places? Why are they important to me? Why do I try so hard? Because, so many people have tried to stop me.

` Though I was indeed just making videos to race the deadline, something came up, and I needed to write a bunch of stuff, which I have been since that last post. Part of it concerns some things I want to discuss on my YouTube channel anyway, so I thought this would be an ideal place to share it.

I have already talked about the 2003 "Gaslighting Extravaganza" on my YouTube channel. This was an incident where I was drugged, tortured, sexually assaulted, locked up, and then my mom, boyfriend and some other people threatened me if I called the police. I developed numbness in various parts of my body (called "conversion disorder" or "functional neurological symptom disorder") after months of this abuse from authority figures and supposed loved ones. I did call the police this year finally.

When I went to my first skeptic's conference (The Amazing Meeting) in 2012, I did not know that I was seriously physically handicapped and in chronic pain. I had been injured many times in my life, especially a disfiguring foot injury when I was 14, which I was actually punished for having and my mom and dad both made it worse, and then punished me for it being worse.

` They didn't want me to get better, they just wanted me to stop complaining about it. They refused to take me to a doctor for almost any reason, ever, and told me to never tell a doctor about these things because it was "inappropriate" or "in the past".

` At age 7 or 8 I was so stressed out that I started to constantly scrunch up my abdominal muscles until it became constant. Later adding the foot injury caused me to put all my weight on my abdomen instead of my back, so that I was squishing all my guts up into my chest cavity, and it hurt constantly.
` It was hard to eat anything, and I was often vomiting and burping and rubbing my abdomen, which I was also punished and made fun of for. I routinely got in trouble for having trouble eating and for things I did because of low blood sugar (not to mention, sleep deprivation). My stomach was partly herniated at the top, causing reflux. I also had a lot of reflux from my upper intestines into my stomach.
` I still do a little, actually, and I must use conscious effort to keep my abdomen abdomen-shaped and my neck neck-shaped. I hold my head tilted to the right because that's the only way to compensate for my neck and eye muscles becoming asymmetrical from tilting my head to the left for most of my life. But I'm getting ahead of myself: