Almost done with next video, but I'm going to have to re-upload the rest of my clips...

As you can see, I've been hard at work (yes, even in the early morning) uploading more video clips to YouTube, with 447 at the moment.
` I've almost got my most recent video edited, from clips I've uploaded to YouTube.
` Only problem is, I won't be able to combine these clips anymore after September 20th, because YouTube video editor is simply being removed from YouTube on that date.

Yes, really.

If I'd have known that, I would have taken a different strategy to making videos. But I didn't learn of it at all until I actually clicked on YouTube video editor for the first time since January.
` I should have plenty of time to edit this video, assuming I've figured out how to overcome the problems I've been having with the editor by copying my clips over again and trying again. (You can see that by looking at the titles.)

I also must confess that during this incredibly hot summer (without air conditioning, mind you), I've had a number of physical and emotional obstacles to overcome. It's especially tiring to hold myself upright in front of the computer. I'm doing better and better at that every day.
` The better I can hold myself upright, using a trekking pole or otherwise, the more emotionally strong and independent I can feel. It's having a profound effect on my personality.
` It is helping me to process the emotions that my body has been carrying around in it since I was injured traumatically and how supposed loved ones terrorized, dehumanized and demonized me for the swelling, inability to walk for several weeks, and developing permanent physical disabilities and living in constant pain for most of my life.

Apparently, I'm just a terrible, terrible person for being able to feel physical and emotional pain.

` I have more to say about that in my next video, which I am soon to get back to working on again today.
` I didn't do much work on it two days ago because I went to the Theo chocolate factory and got to go on their tour, and actually into the floor of their factory and the kitchen area! There were cacao nibs from the Congo which tasted like cheese, nibs from Peru that I thought tasted more like beer, a chocolate dodecahedron, and lots of confectiony goodness. I didn't see any oompa-loompas, but I did get a short video of an actual cacao tree's blossoms sprouting off the trunk. Very rare in a young tree growing in a windowless room!
` Afterwards, I got some amusing video under a certain bridge, although let's just say it's much more amusing to me than it would be to most people.

As for the second part of my amazing psychedelic article, which I had already done most of the work on before publishing Part 1... I haven't even worked on it at all since then. Sure, it's mostly-finished. How did I manage to not get back to it? I suppose that's a long story and I won't bore you with the details. But I intend to pick it back up soon.

Right after I've written a very important email, or at least started on it. It's of profound importance, but I won't be able to reveal its importance until later.

At this moment, I must get dressed, get in the car, go get some pizza and buy some other important items, such as a shower curtain to replace the one I accidentally destroyed yesterday. It's a long story. I will have more for you all very soon!

I have 307 "videos", mostly short clips so far....

Most of them are only a few seconds long, but I thought I would take a screen capture to show you how many video clips I have been uploading lately, for your later viewing.

Notice that the latest ones feature the plants I've been tending, as well as Matt clearing some more space along the side of the house to make room for more of them!
` As I planted even more succulents yesterday, I recorded glimpses of the Blue Angel jets screeching and roaring overhead.

Yes, I'm back at it again. I was doing well not to spend much time with the crassulaceids. There's not much weeding to do because there has been no rain for over a month, and barely any for a month before that.
` I water them a bit, but perhaps not enough, as two of the species have died off!

Yesterday, I have replaced one of the species, and have gotten even more types of crassulaceid. Oh, the plants!
` Other than that, I've been letting my computer's CPUs be dedicated to uploading videos, but I'll take a little break from that to get back to my writing and all.

I haven't been spending much time writing, so I've been spending time reading a book that I'm borrowing. About psychedelics, of course.
` Later on, after I get back from viewing the beach at sunset, I plan to get back to finishing what I've started in writing. Just before bed, I plan to clear some more space from my hard drive, and upload even more video clips while I'm asleep.

Actual "Things People Say" About Psychedelics #2

Wow, this is unexpected. I no longer feel weighed down by a sense of guilt, that I don't deserve to be able to do things such as write blog posts. (Re: My last li'l post.) That conveniently makes this easier. As does having gotten this laptop running much faster.
` In fact, I'm uploading more video clips onto YouTube right now as I'm typing this, and it's running perfectly fine. So yes, everything is moving ahead now! In fact, I lied last time, I have been writing my next video, but not much in the way of blog posts.

In celebration, here's the next post in the queue, which is of course on psychedelics, a subject I've begun to write about in great detail. (See High-Powered Tools of Inner Exploration and Neuroscience.)
` For the first "Things People Say", go here. This one's shorter and sort of follows the other, except instead of abject terror of psychedelics, there is more of a fearful willingness to accept that perhaps they would be beneficial. But it's still a bit odd. I promise to have more interesting/amusing ones for next time.

Feeling so free...

I am writing this from my phone, but will be back to writing about mental navigation, psychedelics and strange stories soon, and making videos. My thumbs don't even have the energy to write about the adventures I have been on when I am not flattened by the heat. Mostly they have involved food, intense therapy, and even encounters with owl families.
I am having slight technical difficulties with the laptop that I have been borrowing for over a year. I can easily fix it but have been way too hot. If I had air conditioning, things might be different.
To confess, I have written zero since last time. At all. Holding myself upright is challenging, moreso when it's 86 and the sun has been beating down relentlessly for months.
Today I spent some amount of time clothes shopping because some of my new clothes have already failed. As much as I am often tempted to walk around without any clothing in this weather, I am compelled to buy more.
I have many, even more bizarre sedum and ice plant photos, but not on my phone. I just tried to view them on the laptop but had slight problems.
I have not, however, been gardening much, other than keeping the plants from withering away and pulling off dead sedum flowers. I have been doing small amounts of piano and even teaching Spanish to Matt.
I have retreated from the internet and world in general, partly to find myself. As I heal physiologically, i also work through the emotional trauma related to the physical trauma. Currently it has involved letting go of the guilt I have been carrying around that I don't deserve to live or be free of pain or to be healthy or even be able to see.
It had to do with my mother emotionally rejecting me. It hurt to learn last year that she was so traumatized by what happened back in 1995, which left me physically disabled and in chronic pain, that she had forgotten it had happened at all and had no idea how my body had gotten messed up.
She then blamed me for thinking this was a big deal, and has recently warned me that this means I could be losing my mind.
So, who cares what she thinks?
This is why I continue to cut emotional ties from her. A few days ago, I was able to process a lot of those emotions of unworthiness. I feel that I care about myself. My entire body no longer tingles and prickles as it used to. It is my own, it does not exist for anyone else's gratification. I no longer even seem to remind myself of my mom, nor do I feel rejection towards myself.

I am feeling the best I have felt in my life, especially now with almost all of the pain gone. I walk with one walking stick around the house, two outdoors. It feels good to be able to hold myself up. Feeling that I am going to fall puts entirely different thoughts in my head than when I can use my own muscles to keep my balance.

Who am I? What am I? Human? Sometimes I feel superhuman. At least during bursts of energy.

I had better get to bed so that I can wake up and get back to it...

posted from Bloggeroid

The Sedum (and Ice Plant) Madness Grows More Colorful!

When I first posted photos of the succulents, the buds were just starting to open. Now that most of them are in full bloom, I find they are much more photogenic. Just for fun, I thought I'd make another post showing the same plants as before, and in the same order so you can compare these photos with the ones from last time.

Now that I've posted my Big Article, High-Powered Tools of Inner Exploration and Neuroscience, and more, I feel the need to demonstrate how the Sedum Madness has been progressing. Previously, there were only nine species of Sedum, four of ice plants, and one Sempervivum (hen-and-chicks).
` Now I have 21 types of Sedum, nine types of ice plants, two Sempervivum and one Escheveria. And I'm finally good at 26 stepping stones. There is still also fuzzy lamb's ear, but I have brutally killed all other non-crass(ulacid) plants for not meeting my standards of attractiveness.
` I've have not been spending much time gardening this month, but it's already too late -- they're taking over the entire front retaining wall! For example, the first ice plant to bloom was this red one. Let's see how it looked when I got back from our little road trip to Montana:

Some of the flowers were already dead, with new ones on the way.

The original photo of this was looking up the side of the slope, but I had to take this photo from above because a canopy of sedum flowers were completely obscuring them from the sidewalk.
` So, as a bonus "extra photo", I took another from the same angle as the original photo, except it is of a sedum off to the right of the ice plant. The same species is prominent in both the original first and second photos, so it seems fitting to include it, especially during the time it was flowering:

Actual Things People Say About Psychedelics #1

On February 26 I mentioned that "I've started three good-sized blog posts". After a prolonged dive out of and back into good health (and a road trip to Montana), I published one of them as High-Powered Tools of Inner Exploration and Neuroscience. It's a science-based article about a particularly stunning and unusual class of mind-altering substances and how they benefit people psychologically and neurologically.

` Though this certainly wasn't taught in the psychology classes I went to, and hasn't been since The War On Drugs came into effect, psychedelics are known therapeutic agents and more. I extensively described much of their effects on sense perception and expansion/alteration of conscious awareness, and you can read it right here.

The other two posts (from Feb 21) are "Things People Say" About Psychedelics, which I didn't dare publish until I had at least one well-referenced article on this blog. It's the first, perhaps in a long-running series because I have even more of these, from many different people.
` Discussing this in skeptic/atheist circles, I find a wide range of reactions to this chemical class of substances, and this mostly has to do with the degree of people's overall familiarity with them.
` For example, some tell me how they have used psychedelics for better self-understanding and self-control. Some others say they would assume that psychedelics hinder these things. It's important to me that we're no longer so divided in our knowledge on this. (It's not the only topic, but it is a good starting point.)

I'm going to focus on some objections and questions, which I have answered, and then cut and pasted them here. I'll start with a common sort of challenge:

Onto Part 2 soon, but first, the power of suggestion strikes again, and other stuff...

With the power of suggestion, the previously-persistent pain for years in my right index finger, above the first joint, has disappeared completely. This happened in one instant, when I was concentrating on doing just that. And it worked. My finger felt normal except perhaps a bit of nerve damage, but no pain from it.
` For two days it was completely pain-free. Then, I hit the very tip of that finger really hard, and there is a little pain from that now. It's been a good test of how well the suggestion worked, because the rest of the pain has not returned.
` Currently, it feels as though my index finger simply stops after the first knuckle and has been replaced by a prosthetic. The pain from the bruise seems to have migrated to my other fingers, if that makes sense. I have no idea what this means, but I take it as a good sign.

Oh yes, and I went to Montana last month for a few days. I got some video for YouTube, but the only non-blurry photos I got were on my phone. After I returned, I took more photos of the mind-consuming sedums, including these just starting to explode into yellow flowers:

I will also be putting together more videos, about self-suggestion, psychedelics, navigating your mind, as well as other projects. I've been doing slightly more and more all the time, and those are definitely on my short-term to-do list.
` Part 2 of "High Powered Tools of Inner Exploration and Neuroscience" will be up soon, but first, I have several draft posts that I haven't published yet. Some are ones about psychedelics which I have been waiting to publish until after getting something else done first. Some are also from last year, including CSI Con 2016.
` I also have more multi-color sedum photos, since I have more kinds than before, and they're almost all flowering. Not to mention all the vividly-blossoming ice plants! As for why I haven't gotten on this earlier, I have been having more trouble than usual staying awake and holding my body in a vertical position.

Part of the deal has been coming back from Montana, exhausted, to summer heat and no air conditioning. Even Matt has had difficulty staying awake and non-lethargic, and has become more exhausted than usual after working out at the gym.
` The other is, seemingly paradoxical, because of physical improvement: My center of balance is continuing to shift farther to center, thanks to the trekking poles. My right side is still too weak to support me as I prop myself up on the couch. I put a small suitcase next to me so I can lean on my right hand.
` The only way I can prevent myself from falling forward is to put my right knee against the table and/or suitcase. Then, to type, I rest my right elbow on my knee and put my left elbow on the table. And, I don't wear pants (as in trousers) because of how they can squeeze my torso. Yeah, baby.
` At last, I am starting to feel like I can do this again for more than two minutes at a time, especially during the evenings. Which is what I'm doing now, after having slept a lot of today, which has actually been a goal since I can only seem to sleep for five hours at one time.

With enough sleep, I actually am feeling more like a human being. It's amazing. I'd better get to bed already, though, since I have much blogging and video editing yet to do, including video of me at the piano without pants! It's sexy.